, I like my nation such a lot that I’m fascinated with hanging each and every Trump supporter who took section within the January 6th revolt in a cage and permitting actual Americans to pelt them with rotten tomatoes.
, Drivers: You glance foolish dressed in a life-protecting seat belt on your automobile when you are texting and riding.
, With the entire barriers being driven via NASA, I’ve made up our minds to place “Become Asteroid Miner” again on my bucket listing.
, I’m relieved to grasp that if we default on our money owed participants of Congress will nonetheless receives a commission.
, Whenever I signal my identify to anything else, I exploit a separate pen for each and every person letter. Then I hand out the pens to random other people in the street and thank them for his or her strengthen. If they then need a selfie with me I say tremendous however it’s going to price you one pen.
, We have a host of untamed bamboo stalks rising out at the back of the storage. I’m benefiting from the location via changing them into Biden ballots so we will be able to retroactively overturn the 2020 election ends up in…oh, shall we say Kansas and the Dakotas,
, The right-wing evangelical kooks who criminalize American medical doctors for acting abortions right here haven’t any downside with medical doctors acting abortions in Israel as a result of they do not wish to rock the Rapture boat.
, Attorney General Merrick Garland won’t ever sing “Let the Eagle Soar.” Vice President Kamala Harris won’t ever shoot a attorney within the face. President Biden won’t ever throw a bottle of ketchup on the wall throughout the White House.
, And: Larry Johnson nonetheless insists he is thiiiiiis with regards to liberating that damning Michelle Obama “whitey tape” that he first advised us he had in—[checks notes]—2008.
And now, our characteristic presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 25, 2023
Note: Just a snappy heads-up that C&J is not going to seem within the pages of this on-line grocery store coupon clipper Monday, in order that we might commemorate the Memorial Day vacation and likewise incur our first self-inflicted Jarts wounds of the summer season of august twenty 3. Back Tuesday with top reward for the ACA’s puncture-wound protection.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the beginning of the 94th Scripps National Spelling Bee: 6
Days ’til Ohio‘s style of Cincinnati, 2
Date on which Trump’s 34-count prison trial will start in big apple, 3/25/24
Percent likelihood that the Human Rights Campaign has joined the NAACP, the League of United Latin American Citizens, the Florida Immigrant Coalition, and Equality Florida in issuing a shuttle advisory for Florida since the state has turn into so unsafe for minorities: 100%
New HIV infections within the United States in 2021 in line with the CDC, down 12% from 2017 ranges: 32,100
Number of miles from Juneau, Alaska to Boston, Massachusettsthe space a donated human middle traveled in April for a (a hit) transplant, the farthest one has ever been couriered: 2,506
Age of Tina Turner when she died this week: 83
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
In an additional loony-tunes loop (do not you simply love politics?), [Bob] Dole, the previous grump, is now casting himself within the function of Sweetness and Light. He desires to Bring Us Together, he says, within the nice custom of the Republican Party.
Sure, the celebration that ran Sen. Jesse Helms’ marketing campaign in opposition to Harvey Gantt, the celebration of the Southern Strategy, Lee Atwater, the race card, the soft-on-crime ploy—that political celebration.
We are, you recall, surroundings apart for the nonce (one in every of my favourite sessions of time) the inside track that My Boy [Pat] Buchanan is a racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-Semite—even though I must warn MBB that if he does not prevent this gay-bashing, there will be nobody left to design the uniforms.
The Buchanan presidency now being somewhat as complicated because the Forbes presidency used to be only a few weeks in the past, I’ve naturally been savoring the observations made about My Boy Buchanan. My favourite used to be via tv pundit Morton Kondracke (we should give him credit score for talking wryly): “I think something important happened to Pat Buchanan in New Hampshire in 1990 when he discovered that people could be out of work through no fault of their own—at least white people.”
We are all thankful for this conversion revel in at the highway to Damascus—or at any price, south of Dixville Notch.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Before that first cup of espresso kicks in…
cheers To look ahead to. Hooray! simplest one extra day ’til the beginning of the Memorial Day Weekend after which it’s going to be July 4th after which back-to-school after which Halloween after which the off-year elections after which Thanksgiving after which Christmas ‘n Hanukkah ‘n Festivus after which “Happy New Year 2024” after which blessed iciness after which spring allergic reactions after which Easter after which just one extra day ’til the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend. Oh, the enjoyment of getting been across the solar a couple of instances.
Jeers to the whiner-in-chief. Prepare to barf. The chief of the six-member Federalist Society megastar chamber referred to as the conservative wing of the Supreme Court spent a while this week complaining about how he has a troublesome process. He has to make exhausting selections! And what is the toughest determination he is ever needed to make?
Was it codifying girls as second-class electorate? No.
Was it giving non secular freaks the ability to disclaim the entirety from carrier in a shop to care in a health facility? No.
Was it a inexperienced mild for firms to pollute the planet within the open and purchase politicians in secret? No.
Was it authorizing a snowstorm of weapons to fall into the palms of right-wing goobers as guns of terrorism in opposition to their fellow electorate? No.
Was it stealing vote casting rights from minorities? No.
Was it permitting his fellow conservatives at the court docket to be purchased and paid for via Nazi-loving billionaires? No.
No no no no no, 1000 instances no, Instead, it used to be this excruciating determination made after tossing and turning for a number of sleepless mins:
Chief Justice John Roberts’ hardest name in virtually twenty years within the process used to be to reserve a fence to be erected across the embattled Supreme Court remaining yr. after the ruling that rolled again abortion rights used to be leaked, he mentioned overdue Tuesday. […]
“I had no choice but to go ahead and do it,” Roberts mentioned. The fences had been submit remaining May as a part of ramped-up security features following the leak and offended protests in regards to the then-pending abortion ruling.
The saddest section about all this? He needed to make the verdict to overreact to the chance of non violent protesters all on his personal, and nobody even idea to arrange a GoFundMe web page in his identify to offer convenience in his hour of emotional disaster. No surprise the Supreme Court punishes us little other people so frequently. we’re so i imply,
cheers to the visionaries. 236 years nowadays, the The Constitutional Convention opened in Philadelphia. with George Washington presiding. They got here to blows over their first order of commercial, however after a lot quill-stabbing and cane-beating, they in spite of everything agreed: We hereby get to the bottom of that Cheesesteak shall no longer be regarded as Cheesesteak with out Cheez Whiz., It used to be most commonly easy crusing from there.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
Jeers to like a number of the
daffodils lunacy. I will’t inform you how the debt ceiling negotiations are going. I simply cannot. Mainly as a result of it is devolved into a sequence of grunts in a caveman language that hasn’t twanged mankind’s eardrums since…oh, since smartly sooner than you had been born. But I will inform you that China weighed in, and the message they despatched is crystal transparent it doesn’t matter what language you discuss:
I consider a deal will probably be imminent. Because you do not wanna know what occurs after they drop the opposite tut.
Jeers To set up climate woes. Not supposed to be Debbie Downer or anything else, however Atlantic storm season begins in seven days. Forecasters at Colorado State University, who appear to be moderately correct about these items, say we’re going to most likely need to take care of 11-15 named storms, with six hurricanes, two of them “major” between June and November. And in different information, Pat Robertson’s newest dialog with God in regards to the gays, feminists and pagans unearths that we will be able to be expecting 1-3 meteors, 6-8 frog showers and any other season of The Masked Singer, Oh, the humanity.
Ten years in the past in C&J: May 25, 2013
cheers to getting schooled via your elders. GOP chairman Reince Priebus, blissfully unaware that Americans are seethingly conscious that the Republican celebration has performed not anything for this nation in years, thinks the 3 minor (and fading) oopsies going through the Obama management are precisely what the celebration wishes to weigh down the president is flatter than one in every of John Boehner’s cigarette butts beneath his heel. But former Senate Majority Leader and ’96 presidential contender Bob Dole—who has noticed all of it—can simplest shake his head and watch the GOP circle the drain:
“I think they ought to put a sign on the national committee doors,” Dole mentioned of the GOP, “that says closed for repairs until New Year’s Day next year and spend that time going over ideas and positive agendas.”
Dole, 89, mentioned the Senate is “bent really badly” and lamented that during his day, “at least we got our work done.” He additionally mentioned the filibuster is being abused.
Following Dole’s remarks, the chyron operator at Fox News used to be steered to start out “accidentally” hanging a ‘D’ after his identify.
And only one extra…
cheers to do the Kessel run in lower than 12 parsecs. Today is the forty sixth anniversary of the discharge of Star Warsa film that had me sq. in its demographic attractions (I used to be 13 in ’77) and hot-wired my mind during my existence.
First time I noticed it I used to be on a college box travel in Berlin, Germany, and I’ve to mention Darth Vader used to be scarier when he used to be talking German (“Gibt mir die plane, Mädchen, oder Ich will in deine kopf das kopfmitteldammer uberungenscheide geforhen Schweinhund!!”,
It’s estimated that over $42 billion has been spent on Star Wars products, and I consider I’ve part of that within the attic. And now we are in a renaissance of streaming spinoffs like The Mandalorian and Andor that embraces the roots and gritty really feel of the unique that used to be nominated for 11 Oscars and gained seven. As lengthy as they preserve pumpin’ ’em out, I’ll all the time be 13, as evidenced via the concept that simply popped into my head: might the booger balls be with you.
Have a pleasing thursday. Floor’s open… What are you cheering and jeering about nowadays?
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