An Unfortunate Announcement Regarding Citizenship Downsizing

FROM: The United States Department of the Interior
SUBJECT: An Unfortunate Announcement Regarding Citizenship Downsizing

Hello, and at the start, thanks curious about the whole thing you might have accomplished. You have made this country the most efficient on the earth! You’ve requested no longer what your nation may just do for you, however what you should do to your nation. You’ve walked softly and carried a large stick. The best factor you have feared is concern itself. Freedom has blossomed! Profits have soared! We may just no longer have accomplished it with out you.

That being mentioned, we have hit arduous occasions. It has affected all people: gasoline costs, emerging meals costs, a floundering inventory marketplace. In gentle of those tendencies, now we have needed to make some difficult selections.

It is with a heavy middle that we’re pronouncing that some Americans will probably be laid off as Citizens. If you’re receiving this electronic mail, you might have been decided on. We are extraordinarily sorry to try this, particularly at a time when such a lot of people are suffering, however after a lot attention, now we have decided that is the one means ahead.

If you’re receiving this electronic mail please continue right away on your nearest world airport and purchase a one-way price tag to any non-domestic location. Don’t take too lengthy deciding the place, time is of the essence. Remember, you’ll be able to all the time transfer nations later, so long as the rustic you’re switching to isn’t the United States.

From time to time organizations must make staffing changes to account for financial stipulations. Within the previous couple of many years, there were many large-scale layoffs throughout many industries. telecommunications, car, banking, and now, citizenry.

You would possibly really feel this is not proper, that it’s unconstitutional. Regretably, the whole lot of the United States Supreme Court are amongst those that had been laid off, so we will be able to by no means know whether or not or no longer you’re right kind.

To will let you on this sudden transition length the Department of the Interior is ready to give you a beneficiant severance package deal, together with:

  • The probability to forged an absentee poll in 5 (5) general elections (Federal, State, and Local)
  • Unlimited Jury Duty assignments by way of Zoom (Federal best)
  • One (1) small 4″x 6″ American Flag (whilst provides final)
  • One (1) sparkler in Red, White or Blue (whilst provides final)

These layoffs will lend a hand us stability the price range and reduce the traces of public investment. Do you understand how pricey the library is on our finish? Books are relatively pricey after which on most sensible of that, they are unfastened to take a look at.

“But if you don’t return them on time you get a fine!” That $2 nice you by no means stricken paying that were given forgiven 10 years later is not going to stay the lighting fixtures on or the air-con operating. Forget the books, have you learnt how pricey it’s to stay the library as chilly as an AMC Megaplex?

The sum of money that will probably be stored on keeping up infrastructure by myself is also sufficient to avoid wasting this nation. By shedding 25% of the populace, roads are used 25% much less, decreasing upkeep prices by means of 25%. The advantage of your sacrifice is quantifiable!

In an effort to geographically reduce the federal government’s monetary burdens, ultimate Citizens are inspired to relocate from the next states as they’ll now not obtain any Government improve; monetarily or bodily, and can heretofore be referred to as “The Forgotten Lands”:

  • Minnesota
  • Wisconsin
  • Michigan
  • Illinois

As to looking for a brand new Citizenship in other places, we inspire everybody to hunt letters of advice from their direct civic awesome to assist within the procedure for your nation of selection. If you’re a common particular person we propose asking your Mayor, your Governor, your Senators, or your President. The President has additionally been laid off however we think his CV to talk for itself within the absence of a letter of advice.

The following nations have agreed to streamline the repatriation procedure for all former American Citizens:

Should the industrial tides flip and the United States starts accepting packages for Citizenship, all who’re suffering from those layoffs are inspired to reapply! You are what made this Great Nation an ideal country, in the end! In the reapplication procedure, preferential standing and particular attention for former electorate may not be imaginable.

In accordance with the Equal Rights Amendment, Title IX, and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 picks had been made with whole randomization. As with each primary coverage alternate, there will probably be kinks that wish to be labored out. For instance, by means of whole probability, upwards of 95% of the Department of the Interior’s personnel used to be decided on. Yesterday I used to be only a sophomore at Georgetown interning within the Communications Department and now I’m sending this electronic mail! There will probably be thrilling adjustments in all of our lives.

The Department of the Interior and all the United States Federal Government thanks to your working out.

—Jamie Bleecker
Acting President of the United States of America


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